Because of You
by Lexi Teniro
Summary: Misao has lost more than she ever thought possible...and more than just material things. Death seems to be the answer, but something holds her back. [AoshixMisao, songfic, one-shot]


**Because of You**

Disclaimer: (To the tune of "Hot Cross Buns") I own it not…I own it not…please don't sue me, don't have money, I own…it…not.

A/N: Yes, it's ANOTHER songfic. From the same CD as the last one I did with Misao. Kelly Clarkson's music is just so perfect for her, I can't help it. In any case, this is "Because Of You" by Kelly Clarkson-sama! (Worshipping Kelly Clarkson for being simply incredible) (Nervous grin) Eh heh…on with the fic!

**.x.x.x.x.**

(_I will not make_

_The same mistakes that you did_)

I stared at the earth, willing it to be a bad dream, wishing I could wake up three months ago and have it never have happened.

(_I will not let myself_

_Cause my heart so much misery_)

Despite all my will, a tear slid down my cheek, and I turned my head, so Jiya and the others wouldn't know how much I was hurting. Hurting like you.

(_I will not break_

_The way you did, you fell so hard_)

But I would live. You had taught me that death was never the answer—and now my life was not the only one in my hands.

(_I've learned the hard way_

_To never let it get that far—_)

I turned from your grave and walked away, setting myself beneath a sakura tree. I couldn't help but have my thoughts stray to you. The one I loved. DO love. I still love you. I always will. And you will never truly die, as I carry your child.

(_Because of you_

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk_)

You showed me many things that night—what it meant to be a woman, what it was like to be loved.

(_Because of you_

_I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt_)

I didn't want you to leave; I didn't want you to hurt me. You were convinced that you had…convinced that you were dishonorable.

(_Because of you_

_I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me_)

For two and a half months after you left, I drew into myself. I became a ghost of who I had been. And then I found out…

I was pregnant.

_What now? What for my future now?_

(_Because of you—_

_I am afraid…_)

I went after you.

(_I lose my way_

_And it's not too long before you point it out_)

I knew it was hopeless, but something drew me on. I had to find you. Many times I would collapse, sobbing, inches from giving up, but your cold voice echoed in my head, driving me forward.

(_I cannot cry_

_Because I know that's weakness in your eyes_)

It was then that I found you…but I was bare minutes too late.

You were on your knees, sword through your liver. Seppuku. I saw the last glimmer of life pass from your eyes, a glimmer that didn't even know me.

When the others found out, I was able to act as if it were sad, but not apocalyptic. For they still didn't know about the child. They didn't know that you were the father.

(_I'm forced to fake_

_A smile, a laugh, every day of my life_)

You're gone. I still can't grasp that, still as you lie in the ground.

(_My heart can't possibly break_

_When it wasn't even whole to start with_)

My heart was broken on that night. You took it with you when you left, and I don't have one, even now. Even now.

(_Because of you_

_I never strayed too far from the sidewalk_)

And although my heart is gone, you live in my soul. And in my womb.

(_Because of you_

_I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt_)

Perhaps I should just…forget you. Find a new man. Ha. I know I can't do that. I love you. You taught me so much, things I can never forget.

(_Because of you_

_I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me_)

Okon and Omasu can tell something's wrong; I know it. Just WHAT they think is wrong, I can only guess at. Although I've never been happier (if happy I can be) that I wear such loose clothes.

I was jerked back to the present with an uncomfortable jolt of pain in my abdomen.

_What's happening?_

(_Because of you—_

_I am afraid…_)

The pain came again, white hot, screaming through my consciousness. I didn't have the energy to cry out, and I dimly noted the spreading dark stain on the grass beneath me before I sunk into my mind.

(_I watched you die_

_I heard you cry every night in your sleep_)

Through the pain, I saw your face. The smile you wore but once, your blank agony that you wore in death.

(_I was so young_

_You should have known better than to lean on me_)

_I can't take this! What is happening to me?_

Their voices called to me through the fog as a sword ripped through my womb and thighs…I may have screamed…I don't know.

(_You never thought of anyone else_

_You just saw your pain_)

When I finally realized what was happening to me, I wanted to die right then.

(_And now I cry in the middle of the night_

_For the same damn thing…_)

_"Misao."_ A voice echoed.

_"Did I ever teach you to give up?"_

I knew who it was. And I knew I couldn't die. Even if I lost my son, I would live.

(_Because of you_

_I never strayed too far from the sidewalk_)

The blackness slowly overcoming me, I faintly heard their voices calling me back…but I was gone.

(_Because of you_

_I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt_)

I awoke several days later. Omasu was sobbing.

"We thought we lost you…we thought we lost you…"

My heart sank. "My…my son?"

"Miscarried."

(_Because of you_

_I try my hardest just to forget everything_)

For the first time in front of anyone in two years, I cried. They knew. And I was shamed.

(_Because of you_

_I don't know how to let anyone else in_)

The crying didn't help. I just felt hollow. You, my love…and my child…both gone. What had I left to live for?

(_Because of you_

_I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty_)

_What now? Dear Kami-sama what now?_

(_Because of you—_

_I am afraid…)_

But I can't die. You would never forgive me if I did. I know that. So…I'll live. For you.

(_Because of you…_)

I have to live for you.

(_Because of you…_)

**.x.x.x.x.**

A/N: Blargh, that could have been so much better…in any case, please let this unworthy one know what you think of her song-based ramblings! Arigatou! (Bows)


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